Finally

This morning I emailed the Dr's nurse asking if they have heard anything. And this evening they wrote back.
The lesion in the liver looks different than the one in October.. But in order to compare they recommend another MRI with contrast. They mention that the lesion could be a result of the liver biopsy I had done in October.

So now my Dr here is getting me an appointment for the MRI. On Monday I will contact the Medical recors at MD Anderson and have them send the CT Scan DVD here. The MRI Scan that i will have next week will be sent to TX. And the radiologists there will do the comparison. But before then we should have a report from the radiologists in GJ.

My Dr here felt bad that i had to through this uncertainity again and offered a prescription of Ativan, but I really do not need it. With accupuncture, counseling and family support I am dealing with the situation quite well- yes I am proud of myself:)

Happy New Year everyone!
I pribably won't post anything till next week.

Wednesday came and went without news

Still no word from the Dr. The radiology reports were put on the MS Anderson website, and it basically says that there is an indeterminate lesion in the liver, the radiologist recommends an MRI of the liver. So I think that when they call me they will suggest me going fown to have another MRI taken.
Didn't do much today. Probably most important thing was to go over all the medical bills and try to sort them. With my mom's help I managed most of them. Now it is time to enter all the medical expenses in the computer so when the tax time comes we can plug in the numbers an hopefully get a tax deduction.

Right now I am waiting for my shrink appt. I will probably need her help more after I get "the call" but whatever.

Good night everyone! Tomorrow is another day..

still no news

OK, Tuesday came and went and I did not get a phone call from Texas. I postponed my mastectomy to a date to be determined in the future.. I am hoping that I will hear something (good) tomorrow.

My sister left this morning, she had come to help out during/after the surgery, but since I didn't have the surgery, we ended up having some good time together. As I had promised myself we spent this last week with activities that kept us busy and happy:

On Wednesday we all went to the rec center pool in Fruita. It was fun (I do not have any pictures unfortunately). The girls enjoyed it and keep asking when we can go again.

On Thursday we went Christmas tree hunting. I had gone by some stores the day before but nothing had looked promising. So I called around, and one store said that they had some, so we rushed there, but all they had was artificial trees. Dan and Deniz were not crazy about artificial trees so we started driving around and finally found one on the other side of the town (GJ is small so I cannot complain :) ). Best of all, they were FREE!!! of course, being as late as we were to get a tree, the store decided they were not selling them any more, and it is a nice tree. The girls and I worked together to get it in our van, it wasn't easy but we are resourceful ;)

Friday was spent with decorating the tree and watching Little House on the Prairie. As Dan took the girls for dinner to his dad's house, my mom, sister and I went out to dinner. Did you know that most dishes in Olive Garden have around 1000 cals in them???

Saturday, we baked pies, Dan prepared enchiladas, Deniz went to ballet in the morning... One of Dan's good friends from grad school came to spend Christmas with us. We had grandpa over for dinner and let the girls open a few of their presents.

On Sunday morning the girls went crazy with present opening (I really am not too fond of the whole consumerism of Christmas but this being the first Christmas that we spent at our home - usually we go down to Arizona to spend it with Dan's family, I lost control, and they also got presents from their Grandpa, my mom and sister.. wow, talk about present overload). In the afternoon we went on a hike to Liberty Cap, which is a structure in the Colorado National Monument, it is a total of 3 mile hike, but a lot of altitude gain (~1200 feet), and I was amazed that we all made it up to the top, even the girls!! I was very proud of my sister, too, because she is not the regular hiking type..

Yesterday, Dan went to work for a few hours, but was home early enough to go sledding. We went up to Bangs Canyon and the girls sled and sled and sled...

Today was a little stressful because I was actually expecting the phone call, but we had our friends over for "tea" and that lightened up our moods.

So now that it is after 5 pm in Houston, I am actually a little less stressed, I know there won't be a call till tomorrow. I will try to keep myself calm. Whenever I feel my liver, I imagine holding it in my arms and petting it, caressing it .. helping it to heal.. Please please please let it be something not too serious....

Will we hear from Houston tomorrow?

I don't know... I spent the last 5 days with as little anxiety as I could. With the thought that I will not freak out until the doctor tells me something to freak out. It is very possible that the radiologists at MD Anderson will say that they cannot conclude anything based on the MRI that was taken here. So I am prepared to fly down to Houston, and have another MRI and maybe even another liver biopsy.. We will see. I will try to update as soon as hear something back. Please continue with your prayers, I believe that I sleep (pretty well) because of you all.

another update

So we arrived at GJ last night. And this morning at 7 am, got a phone call from the MD Anderson. They wanted my MRI report from october. I had given them the DVD with all scans and their reports but whatever. I faxed them all again. It seems that they have seen something unusual in the CT scan and they want to compare it to the MRI of the liver. I am praying and hoping that it is what they had seen back in October, that my liver is slightly enlarged and has some abnormal tissue. And hopefully a little better than October state. It seems I may be up for another liver biopsy (maybe... we are waiting for the radiologists to read the scans/reports and let us know - which will take a week, urggh!)
So I postponed the mastectomy that I was going to have tomorrow, to next week. and in the end I may have to cancel it all together, depends on the results..

Please, please keep your prayers, positive thoughts, energy coming my way, I really need it.

I am trying to keep my cool at least around the girls. We are off to the pool now, they are so excited.

Take care everyone,

Update on Houston

After waiting over 1,5 hrs we saw the oncologist. They did not have the CT Scan results yet. We'll get those tomorrow or Thursday bia email. The blood tests were fine.
We are just spending time in Houston till our plane departure. It will be nice to be back home.
Cheers.

Houston, here we come

Actually we are already here, in Houston, since Sunday afternoon.
Yesterday I had the CT scan of the chest and abdomen. Today in a few hours we'll meet with the doctor and get the results. I am scared, stressed, numb , in denial, hopeful, all it once. I will try to post a short update in the afternoon to let you know what happened.
We have been trying to make the most of this trip. We had not flown in an airplane, just the two of us for 7 years!!! It was nice to just sit, look through magazines, doze off on Dan's shoulder. I was worried about my ears, because my left ear had been clogged for 4 days or so, and I feared what might happened if I could not equalize the pressure during take off and most importantly during landing. But thankfully it worked out well, I could actually equalize the pressure and started to hear again, yuppieee!
On the way from the airport to the hotel, we went through some interesting neighborhoods, lost our way a few times, but finally made it here. We are staying at Sheraton Four Points. The reason I chose this hotel (other than the fact that it was the cheapest) was the fact that it is between the MD Anderson Medical Center and the Central Market. Pretty close to both of them. You may wonder what the heck Central Market is.. It is a supermarket, definitely upscale.. but they have great food, an awesome salad bar, bunch of cooked dishes, best selection of breads, sandwiches aaaaaaannnd sushi made with 12 grains rather than white rice. I actually think it tastes better than white rice and plus I can eat one of my favorite foods with no guilt.
As soon as we checked in an put our stuff in our room, we went their for our dinner (and the only meal of the day). I gave Dan the grand tour, we bought sushi, salad, olives, bread, some yummy tasting goat cheese, etc. Sat down at their little seating area and had a wonderful dinner. Dan was pretty excited about the place, and that made me very happy, too. It is nice to share the joy :).

Then yesterday we got up really early, and went over to the hospital - my first appointment (to give blood) was at 7:15 am, we checked in at 7 am. During the wait times, we went over the grades for my classes and actually changed a few of them (all for the better). The CT scan it self wasn't bad at all, drinking barium before hand was not very pleasant. When the time got closer they took us inside, had me change into scrubs. The funnies moment of the day was when a nurse saw me dancing in my room (it was cold I was trying to warm myself up) and thought that I had to go to potty! She had a worried look and tone in her voice, was ready to grab my hand and take me to the restroom. She was relieved to hear that it was only my attempt to get warm, so she offered a warm blanket (really don't you love those warmed blankets at the hospitals, they are the best things, who ever thought of them must have been a patient, him/herself at one point) aaaand another bottle of Barium. I was disappointed, after drinking the first bottle I thought I was done, not so apparently. Anyway, I chugged that one down also. They take a regular chest X-ray before the CT scan, I have no idea why. The real thing took maybe 10 minutes, the iodine that they inject into my system for contrast makes you feel warm, not a pleasant warmth though, also you feel like you are going to pee in your pants - I promise it didn't happen.

Once we were done at the hospital, we had lunch and then went to the fine arts museum, for the exhibition of King Tutankhamen. It was nice to visit the museum. The exhibit was in Denver in the Summer of 2010 and we had talked about going then, but just had not found the time then. After the museum we got back to the hotel and took a nap!!!! I cannot tell you how nice that was - when I was a kid I do not remember taking any naps, what I remember is that I never liked taking naps. That changed when I came to grad school, I sometimes would sneak to the couch on our floor and take a half an hour nap, boy that felt good! But ever since the kids were born my naps have been very scarce - sometimes I did sleep with them during their naps, but a lot of times I had felt like it was my chance to get things done while they were not up and running.
So after the nap we got up and went to a seafood restaurant. We sat at the counter rather than at a table - another thing that I always wanted to do.. The food was fine, but I think my changed diet habits prevented me from enjoying it fully.. No tears please, I did not go hungry..

After we got back from the dinner I run downstairs to the fitness room and exercised (by the way I had never exercised in a hotel before this trip in my life). It was nice to use the elliptical machine, different sets of muscles in use compared to our stationary bike at home.

The night went fine, we slept OK, although there was a cat somewhere near and we heard it meow a few times. Woke up early, without an alarm. Dan went back to sleep, and I am typing this. OK, I better get up and take a shower. I will do my best do update the blog later today. Hopefully, we will fly back home tonight. The girls will be asleep when we get there, but it will be so nice to see them again and kiss their big heads :). They have been doing fine with their grandma and aunt.

Cheers everyone, keep the prayers coming...

Giving Thanks..

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in US. Mostly because it doesn't involve presents, brings families together and involves good food. It is also a good time to contemplate what we have been blessed with in life. As a family we had so much to be thankful for this year, but mostly for being all together around the table, being healthy!

The day actually started out a little rough. The broiler unit in the oven had been out for months, and Dan had not been able to put a new one up to that day. So on Thursday morning at around 8:30 am, as he was trying to pull out the broken broiler unit out, there was a short circuit and it blew off the whole oven AND the stove top! (yes, we know we should have disconnected it from power before messing with it :) ). This meant that I had load our 15lb turkey that had brined overnight, and all other materials in the van and drive over to my father-in-law's house. It was a little of a hassle but we did it! It turned out to be a great dinner, with wonderful free-range (not organic though) succulent turkey, green beans, stuffing, carrots, cranberry relish, homemade apple and pumpkin pies! OK I admit it I was proud of myself for pulling it together. And if this had happened in the past I would have huffed and puffed about the broken oven but having had cancer really puts everything into perspective, hey we'll remember this Thanksgiving as (the girls call it:) the Thanksgiving when "daddy blew up the oven!" :)

Finally after 2 weeks, yesterday we got it fixed and I am so grateful that it was an easy and not so expensive fix.

Since then, our pellet stove and the brand new camping stove also went kaput! More over one of the pipes that takes water to our swamp cooler leaked and seeped underneath the laminate flooring in the family room and caused it to buckle up.. So a few days ago, I was mentioning (OK yes a little complaining) this to a friend of mine and she said "we are getting foreclosed!!!!". So here it is again, a few broken stoves, messed up flooring are really not a big deal. I am so thankful that we have a beautiful house with our broken stoves :)

Health wise I am doing fine. For a few weeks before Thanksgiving I had some abdominal pain/discomfort. Finally I found what was hurting the most and saw the oncologist the day after Thanksgiving. She couldn't find anything with physical examination, although there might be a minor hernia.. She suggested that when I get my CT scan at Houston, they also check my abdomen to make sure. She didn't want to expose me to radiation twice in such a short period of time.

So in less then two weeks I will be in Houston at MD Anderson. Will get my CT scan and then see the oncologist there. Two days after we get back I will have the second mastectomy and will also have my port taken out.

Needless to say my anxiety levels are going up again a little. There is quite a difference between the first mastectomy I had and this one. For the first one I was anxious to get it out of my body, now I am sad - not so sad that I want to cancel it, but sad never the less-. In late February early March I was on an adrenaline rush, now (thankfully) things are much less stressful. On the bright side I am excited about getting rid of my port. I asked if I could keep it, they said they normally do not allow that but I really want it. If I do get it I will put a picture of it on the blog :).
I am also nervous about the scan (although I haven't started to loose sleep over it yet). If it comes back clean it will be a great relief and a huge reason to celebrate :)

Oh, I have enough hair (at least I think so) that I do not wear my wig any more. I think I shocked some people with my Sinead O'Conner style hair, but they got over it. Also yesterday I had a student of mine to tell me that he wrote a song about me!!! That was a first.. He said it was from the perspective of my husband, telling our child about me. I do not know what this dude was thinking, I sure hope that it wasn't a scenario where I am dead. He said that his own mom had ovarian and breast cancers and she is fine. So I am guessing my condition together with his own family situation has brought up some feelings that he may have had for a long time.

OK, I better stop and get back to work, I have so much grading to do it is not even funny. I will try to post soon again. This one will be about Ada.

Thank you for being there for/with me through all this craziness, it has meant a lot..

Liver enzymes back to normal

Finally after several months, a weird MRI and a scary liver biopsy my liver enzymes are back to normal values! I am SOOOOOO happy.
My oncologist seemed relieved, said it was probably because of chemo, I will get to see her in 3 months! Of course before then I have a mammogram, a CT scan and a mastectomy scheduled, so it will be a busy month and a half, but after the new years I hope things will start to calm down and I will be getting used to seeing the doctor every 3 months for the next two years.

By the way, I had a health check up last week for my health insurance. Basically if you agree to have this check up they give you a lower rate for insurance premium, and then if you are healthy enough you get another discount. So I did it and just got the results this morning. Based on their scale I got 100 out of 100 points! Last year, I had gotten 89 out of 100. So ironically cancer has made me healthier :)!! Well it is true with the life changes I have made it is not so surprising. It is also quite amazing how fast those life changes do start making a major impact on your health and well being. And would you believe that I am a happier person than I was last year around this time. Yes, I do have some big worries, but day to day I do my best (and I must say I do a pretty good job at it) to enjoy every moment of my everyday! Really what else could one do??

I got permission from my doctor to have a glass of red wine tonight (she said I could even have 2 but I don't need 2, even half a glass was enough and very tasty! :)

Good night everyone, gotta get the girls to bed!

LIFE IS GOOD!

No doctor appointments, can it really be?

That is how I felt last two weeks.. it has been great. I feel more and more like myself everyday. My hair is growing (everywhere!), on my head it is still pretty short but I could go around as Sinead O'Connor I guess. And today I noticed that my big toe nails are growing back also, I had almost given up on them, thinking that I would be nail-less for the rest of my life, but there is hope :). Isn't it funny how we start worrying about small stuff when the real scares of life seem to subside? But I have not forgotten, I thank everyday that my liver biopsy came back with no cancer cells and that I am healthy!

This Monday I have a thyroid ultrasound and then on Wednesday I will see the oncologist again. I will have full blood tests to check on my liver, CBC and Vitamin D levels. We'll also talk about the thyroid U/S. I am pretty sure the liver enzymes will not be back to normal levels yet, but I hope that they won't have elevated either. I have been to acupuncture 3 times so far and I like it. If nothing else it is a very relaxing experience - first two times I laid on my back and the needles were on my feet, lower legs, wrists, behind ears and on my scalp. The last time, I laid on my tummy, and had several of them on my back. I will be going every other week. I am still exercising 6 days a week, trying to eat well (lots of veggies, little red meat, almost no white bread/rice, etc.). My weight seems to have reached a plateau, which is fine, I am almost where I want to be, and I am sure it will continue to come off as long as I continue what I am doing. Since February I have lost over 20 pounds, gave away all my "fat" clothes, got out "skinny" pants that I had been accumulating through years. It has been fun to go to work all dressed up.

On the 22nd of October we had a HUGE 41st birthday and end of chemo party. Friends from work, book club, neighbors.. all came, we had over 40 people in our house (mostly our sunroom). It was fun to celebrate!

OK I better go and wash the girls so they can go to sleep early tonight. I don't know how they know it but they wake up all by themselves and early on weekend mornings, but I need to scrape them off the bed during the week.

Wishing you a great weekend, ve Iyi Bayramlar!

Acupuncture rocks!

Today I went in for my first acupuncture session. I had heard a lot of good things from many friends and other cancer survivors so I decided to give it a try. The person who I saw, i.e. my acupuncturist has a PhD in Chinese medicine and acupuncture and 3 of my friends from the department have been very happy with her treatment. I had to fill in a long questionnaire about my health. So she listened to me asked questions, looked at my tongue, felt my pulse on both wrists and started the first session. Basically I took off my shoes and socks, my hat and my wig, and my watch. She rubbed alcohol on the spots that she was going to put the needles, and then put them in (wrists, feet, lower legs, behind my ears and on my scalp - it helps not to have hair :) ). It really didn't hurt, I almost didn't even feel them go in. Then she turned on a red heat lamp and shined them to my feet, turned on soft, calming music, put on an eye mask to keep the light off my eyes and left. For probably 20-30 minutes I laid down and relaxed.

When it was time to leave I felt more relaxed than I ever have even after a massage. I will go back next Friday for another session. She told me to eat 2 eggs/day for 5 days! OK I think I can do that :). She said that my yin was low, and the yang was causing the sweating and stuff at nights. She also thinks that the elevated liver enzymes are a sign of my liver overworking to get the toxins off my body. She advised against a "cleanse".

Cannot wait till next Friday :).

Tomorrow morning I will be doing the Making Strides against Breast Cancer walk. I am excited, it will be fun to be with people from my university and other members of the community and most likely other cancer survivors. I will try to take a few pictures and maybe post them later this week.

I feel sooo happy and relieved after the liver biopsy, I feel like I was handed a new LIFE! and I intend to live every day of it to its fullest!

Have a great weekend everybody!

Good news, la lala laaa!

No cancer in the liver biopsy! We will repeat the MRI at some point. But no cancer cells were seen! Thank you all for all the prayers and positive energy! I just want to recover from the chemo and have a happy, healthy life as long as I can. Love you all!

still no news

I am still waiting to hear from the Dr. I left a message with her nurse, gave them my cell phone number so they can reach me. I am freaking out a little. The weekend went quite well. I have been actually sleeping well since Friday night - it must be all the positive energy and the prayers y'all have been sending my way. But today our anxiety levels are high. I am trying to keep busy with teaching. I will post when I hear anything.

some pictures from the summer

I had been promising some pictures so here we go.

The girls on the apple tree:

Everyone making bubbles:



Deniz and Pelin. First day of school for Deniz, Travel back to Turkey for Pelin.
No words for this one.. just Ada, being herself:


Ada holding a tomato horn worm, we had a similar picture with Deniz when she was just 2 years old.



One of my favorite family pictures:

This was when we went on a hike to Devil's Kitchen.

Three generations together:


Ada all ready for a hike with sun screen on her face, and the scarf (don't ask me, I don't know why)


My parents at Arches National Park:


Dan and I at the end of our "anniversary" hike, to the Independence Monument;

Day after liver biopsy

is much better the day of the biopsy. I actually slept more and better than I have over at least a week! Maybe the drugs helped, maybe it was the emotional load of not only last week but last eight long months. Anyway I woke up feeling much better. We are planning to have a normal weekend as much as possible. Deniz and Dan are off the ballet. Ada and I are at home. In the afternoon the kids friends are coming over for a play date.

I don't want to think about the pathology results, not until the time comes. Talking to my body, cells, trying to be nice to them, good food, lots of water. I don't think I will exercise today but hopefully tomorrow we can go on a short hike as a family.

I wish y'all a great weekend also (except for those of you who already had their "weekend" on Thursday and Friday :) )!

Biopsy done

It was much easier and faster than I thought. Finding a vein and and putting the IV took much much longer, 2 nurses, 3 pokes later they suceeded. Right after the biopsy I had some pain, but now it is much better now. I think they will let me go home in a few hours. The pathology results should be out by Tuesday. Keep the positive energy and prayers coming please.

Waiting for the biopsy

I am in the waiting room, they should soon come and get me. I am not sure if they will let Dan in, I hope so, I want to hold his hand through it. I hope they give me something to calm me down. OK I just foind out that Dan won't be able to come in. Gotta go. I will try to update afterwards.

Had the MRI

This morning I went in for the liver MRI. I will get the results back from the Dr on Wednesday. The scan itself wasn't too bad, they accessed the port without any problems. It didn't hurt a bit, the dye for the contrast did not cause any reactions. Now I have to wait .. My anxiety level is a little high but I am trying to keep it under control.

short update

Sorry, I couldn't write yesterday. Yesterday's check-up went OK. The ANC count was over 3000, so it looks like my immune system is recovering. But the liver enzymes were still higher (I guess they went even a little higher than they were 3 weeks ago) so the Dr. wanted me to have an MRI scan. I will have it on Monday and see her on Wednesday to get the results. So it is time to send positive thoughts, prayers and good wishes again.. I am a little anxious. I guess it is not uncommon to have liver to be stressed because of chemo (I know of three survivors who had high liver enzymes as a result of chemo) but the fact that the doctor wanted an MRI is stressing me out a little. But there is nothing I can do right now so I try to keep calm and just wait till Wednesday.

She said that the ENT should decide if a biopsy is needed for the hyperpigmetation in my mouth. We'll see...

Time to try to go sleep now..

Almost 3 weeks out...

of chemotherapy that is..

I feel much much better! I enjoy food again, my energy levels are up enough to be exercising everyday... My cold is still with me though. I cannot hear well from my left side, but the ENT said that it had fluid inside and the ear drum was concave, so it cannot vibrate as it should and does not transmit the sound to the inner ear. He did NOT give antibiotics because it did not look infected, just a decongestant nose spray that I have used for 5 days. I am still taking the antifungal medicine because my mouth/tongue feels weird when I do not.. So I am guessing tomorrow when they check my blood values the WBCs won't be high enough yet. I also do not have high hopes for my liver enzymes. Don't get me wrong I am not trying to be pessimistic but rather realistic. My liver enzymes were bad before I got the last cycle of chemo, and how could it be any better??? It got hit again with chemo. Granted I did avoid tylenol and took ibuprofen when I had to, but there were so many other medicines that I had to take especially the first week of chemo.. so I will give my liver another month or so to recover.

Last weekend Dan and I did our "anniversary" celebration finally. Thanks to my parents who took care of the girls while we were gone. Well, "gone" is not entirely true, because we stayed in Grand Junction! Saturday night we had a wonderful dinner, checked in at a downtown hotel (the receptionist was one of my students - yes, we live in a small town :) ), and then had a walk down the main street. It was amazing, people were out walking, there was live music at several bars. It almost reminded me of Chapel Hill, which is a true College town. But I have a feeling with our student body growing and Mesa State College becoming Colorado Mesa University Grand Junction will become more and more livelier. Our bed at the hotel was awesome, it was a tempurapedic mattress, OMG, it was soo comfortable and did not move on the otherside when one of us tossed and turned in the bed. Aaand of course there were no kids who got thirsty or had an urge to go to potty in the middle of the night. We slept through the night which is almost unheard of these days. For breakfast we went to a cafe on main street, that I had never seen before, sat outside, it was WONDERFUL. Later in the day I dragged Dan to dig out antlions from our backyard (for our BIOL101 Labs) and also to a trail head to see what kind of plants I could collect from there (again for the lab review). Then we went on a 2 hour hike towards the independence monument in the Colorado national Monument. Well, in short it was a wonderful 20 hours, lots of sleep, rest, peace and fresh air in the outdoors. We should do this every year :)!!

So what else on the cancer front...

I saw my surgeon who did my surgeries in February and March, he thought that my scar looked good and we scheduled the second mastectomy for December 22nd. For those of you who do not know about this, do not panic, it is a precautionary mastectomy, I just want to have the second breast out so I do not need to worry about it. The doctors told me that my risk for breast cancer (an independent one from the one that I got this year) increases 1% every year. If I can help it I would like to avoid getting cancer in any way. Plus after this surgery I won't feel lopsided any more :). Ada was a little upset about this news but when I told her that I would have TWO delicate meme (prosthetic breasts) she got really excited :)

I saw my dentist again and he measured the brown spot in my mouth. It was the same size, yaaay! He also came up with an explanation of why I might have gotten it. He said that maybe during my surgeries when they shoved all those tubes down my throat they irritated my upper palate and that irritation caused hyperpigmentation. I also saw my ENT afterwards and talked to him more about it. He doesn't think it is cancerous (99%), he said we could do a puncture biopsy, but I am waiting to talk to my oncologist about this first. Because with a puncture biopsy or even if they remove the spot with a surgery there is a risk of spreading the cancer (if it is cancerous), the only way of doing it safely is removing an extra centimeter around the spot, that that is a huge area off my mouth that would be removed - major surgery, tough recovery. So we'll see what the oncologist says tomorrow.

Well, I decided to participate in a "walk" for breast cancer. It is called Making strides for Breast cancer and is organized by the American Cancer Society. The purpose is to bring breast cancer survivors together, raise awareness and also raise funds for research and other things that ACS does. I had written a grant to ACS (and other institutions) many years ago so they would fund my research, now I am hoping to raise funds so they can support other researchers who hopefully could find new cures for this beast! Also I have gotten so much support from ACS, like two of my wigs, my delicate meme, one of my mastectomy bras, the Look good, feel better session where they taught us how to do makeup (i.e. paint in eyebrows, etc), I feel like they should have the money to continue doing all that for others who get diagnosed. Soo, long story cut short, if you would like to donate some money, go to: https://secure3.convio.net/tacs/site/Donation2?df_id=1009506&PROXY_ID=22005483&PROXY_TYPE=20&FR_ID=36074&s_subsrc=565769027&s_src=boundlessfundraising. I have already raised $155, thanks to my friends and family, and my goal is to raise $200, so only $45s more and I will be there :). If the link doesn't work let me know.

OK, tomorrow is my check up, mostly blood work. It is also the day my dad is leaving (and my mom leave on Saturday). It will be weird not to have them with us, we had gotten used to have 3 generations in the house. I think it was very good for the girls (and for my parents) to spend time together and get to know each other much much better than they would have in shorter visits. Of course it was great for me to have their support, love and care 24/7. My mom will be back in December to watch the girls when we travel to Houston for another set of CT scans and then for the mastectomy. It is good to know that she will be back soon.

I will try to put up an update regarding the blood work tomorrow evening.

Love to you all!

yaaay, the first week after chemo is done!

Thank you everyone for your emails and phone calls. It has been very nice to hear from so many of you.. Kind of like having a graduation :)..

Well, during the week I was pretty tired and nauseated. But I went to work every day and taught my classes. Yesterday was another tired day, I spend half of the day in bed. I even had my mom bring me my lunch to the bed - I am soooo spoiled :). In the afternoon we went to our department picnic, and then to Deniz's ballet teachers house. The ballet teacher invited most of her students and their families to their house (something like 65 people), and Deniz was the only ballerina from the young kids class. So we felt like it was an honor to be invited and went. BUT it rained, like cats and dogs. I got soaked down to my underware (OK OK TMI). so we apologized and left after the first 10 minutes. But Deniz, who had been a little worried about this unknown "party" got very sad to leave, so as soon as we got home, she changed into dry clothes and went back to the party with Dan. It turns out they did the whole Hawaiian dances routine, and Deniz got to dance their "hula baby" dance all by herself! I am sad I missed it, I was so proud of her to get in front of a whole bunch of people, and sing and dance all by herself (usually they do the dance with at least 10-12 girls).

This morning I woke up with much more energy. We had a nice breakfast at home, then went to the Arches National park. My mom had never been to Arches, so I wanted to show it to her before they left. It was a beautiful day, perfect temperature, very nice hike! I am so glad we did it. I will post pictures later ( it is past midnight and I HAVE to sleep).

As soon as we got back we prepped dinner, and had Dan's father over (as every Sunday). After dinner, I put on my wedding dress, my wig and the girls wore their nice dresses so we had a short reenactment of our wedding (oh, yeah, today was our 8th anniversary). Dan and I danced a little, and then Deniz and I did the Hula baby for the grandparents.

As soon as I got the girls to bed, I graded some of the exams from last week, and entered them in the system. Not too bad, right?

I do have an occasional bone pain here and there, but nothing like last cycle - I guess Claritin did her number, this time. I finally enjoyed my dinner tonight (first meal that seemed to taste good for the last 10 days). I know we will have challenges of all kinds in life but please please please let us have put cancer in the past..

Wishing you all a great week!

I am DONE, stick a fork in me!

This is an American phrase that I learned in Grad school. My friend Julie tried so hard to help me understand it. I think I kind of got it now. Well I am done! I took the last chemo this morning. I was very nauseous and anxious this morning. But I felt better after it was done. They gave me a little "graduation" present (mostly information on "survivorship", an Armstrong "livestrong" bracelet, a little heartshaped thing that can be a christmas ornament but is also wildflower seeds and can be planted). I got hugs from my favorite nurses, a card from all the nurses and my doctor.
Then I went to work and taught my class. Thankfully one of my colleagues has offered to teach the lab in the afternoon, so I came home early and went to bed. Before sleeping though, I ATE!! I actually felt a little hungry, such a great feeling :). The nurse in the morning had forgotten to give me the steroids so I had to get them from the pharmacy and took them when I got home. I hope that they will help me feel better tomorrow.

As of today I enter a new territory. Up to this point I was "doing something" i.e. getting chemotherapy. Now I eat well, I exercise, keep a positive outlook, make the most of every day... But isn't this what we all should be doing anyway, everyday? My students have been great so far, some of them have shared that they have fought this beast themselves or have a family member that had it. Some of them shared their other health problems, and what makes me realize is that we all have health problems, some people have diabetes, some heart disease, some really rare genetic diseases, but here we are going through the everyday issues, trying to make a living, enjoying our family, our jobs.

I also wanted to tell you how much I have appreciated your support! Everytime I hear from one of you it makes me smile, I feel happy that I have such great family and friends. So please keep it coming..

I WILL feel better tomorrow! And everyday will be better than the one before! (at least for the next week or so :) )

Sending you all lots of love!

last FEC - check!

I am home. Got the last FEC infusion in the morning. Talked to the doctor about many things: we'll just watch the black spot in my mouth for now. I will have a mammogram done on my right breast before the second mastectomy to make sure there is no cancer in that one either. She wants to see me again in 3 weeks, we'll do blood tests to see where I am. Todays blood tests came a little off. I am slightly anemic, my ANC was 1400 (it actually has be 1500 but they went ahead anyway. My liver markers were a little high - she said it could be due to chemo drugs and also all that tylenol that I took for bone pain. So this time if I have bone pain I am to use advil/ibuprofen,

So after the appointment in three weeks, we will see each other every 3 months for the following 2 years, after that it will be every 6 months. Really there won't be any blood tests, scans etc. they are basically looking for any syptom that may suggest metastasis (mostly bone, liver and lungs, to a lesser extent to brain).

Right now I am praying that the liver values will get better soon and we won't have to go after liver metastasis.

I am really tired and drugged, thanks to Ativan. But I was also very anxious so I do welcome Ativan to calm me down a little and make today go faster and easier.

Monday I have to go back to take the second shot of 5-FU, and then on Tuesday I will have the Neulasta shot (I was given the option of not taking it but with the cold/flu season approaching I think I will take it- it would suck if I survived breast cancer but got hit by a stupid infection that my body cannot fight.

Oh, and I was given permission to have a glass of wine occasionally - she said everything in moderation. Well I never drank that much anyway, so I will so savor that first glass of red wine (but I am thinking of postponing it until after the liver values become normal)

OK I better get back to sleep. I will give you more updates as they come up.

Have a wonderful weekend, and have some delicious food and wonderful drinks for me!

as I approach the last chemo

OK I owe you all an update, since I haven't written for so long.

First of all, the side effects hit early and hard. I spent most of the weekend in bed. And on Monday when I had to go back to get the second half of 5-FU, I was feeling pretty bad. Nausea, fatigue and just not wanting to get more poisons injected into my body made my feet go backwards. But I did. And then at noon I taught my first class of the semester!
The first week of classes went fine, surprisingly (or maybe not so much) the excitement of the new school year made me move forward. I also think the omeprazole that the oncologist prescribed helped a lot with the nausea. Omeprazole is a proton pump inhibitor and basically stops acid secretion into your stomach. It makes sense, the way she explained it.. just like my mouth and skin, the inside of my digestive tract gets sores, and is very sensitive, now on top of it if you get all that acid it really makes your stomach icky... I used it for a week and then stopped. I have been virtually drug free for almost 2 weeks. I may start again tomorrow for preparation of the last chemo.

Last week I decided to go to an ENT specialist because of the ear ache I had and also because sometimes I feel like there is something in my throat. The doctor couldn't see anything in my ears but said it could be fungal since Nystatin made it go away. However, he DID see a black spot in my mouth, on my upper gum towards the back. I had seen it before, I am not sure when, and it had not caused me too much worry. Well, he said it could be MELANOMA!! really?? people, I do not need another cancer. So needless to say I freaked out quite a bit, I am still freaked out about it a little. I saw my dentist a few days later (we were there for Deniz), so I asked him if he had noticed it before, he checked his notes and said that he had not. He was more worried than the ENT (the ENT said that it could be like a freckle but I should keep an eye on it, and if it changed shape, color etc to come back). So now I will go back to the dentist in the end of the month so he can measure it again and make sure that it is not growing. The good thing is that it is not elevated, is only one color, is fairly symmetrical, it is a little too big, 3-4 mm by 7 mm, but does not have bunch of blood vessels around it which would indicate a cancerous growth. So please please please pray for me that it is nothing serious. I will ask the oncologist on Friday, maybe we can have it removed after I am done with chemo.. not that I am crazy about having an oral surgery but it is better than worrying about it.

Another thing happened on day 10 ( 5 days after the Neulasta shot). We were having a pretty stressful weekend because Dan's father fell that Saturday, it took three of us to get him up. He really was not doing well, and we spent the whole weekend looking for an assisted living place for him. On Sunday I started feeling this almost burning sensation in my chest, ribcage, then the ache/pain went to my backbone. I thought that maybe I was having an anxiety attack, but it seemed more like bone pain. Finally I called my oncologist and she thought that it probably is Neulasta's side effect (which I had not experienced the last time I had it). She said that some people don't feel anything, others have to go on IV morphine and most people are somewhere in between. She also said that if the pain does not subside in 4-5 days we should start worrying about other things (i.e. bone metastasis) - Can I say YUCK! again! - Well, the good thing is that I could make the pain go away by taking 500 mg of tylenol every 4 hours. I did not sleep well that Sunday night so on Monday night I took half a Vicodin and had the most wonderful sleep and the pain went away after Tuesday.

This week is supposed to be my "good week" but I caught a cold (and I cannot even blame Deniz or Ada for bringing it home). First it started as a sore throat, then a little cough and today my nose has been dripping constantly. My typical, beginning of the semester cold. And I was trying to be so careful, washing my hands constantly, using hand sanitizers, etc. Oh well, now I hope that I will be well enough so they can give me chemo on Friday. I don't have a fever so that is good, but I do worry what would happen if my white blood cells really plummeted.

I just want this thing to be over, be done with cancer, be done with chemo and have a normal life again. I know it will never be "normal" like before but I would love to put this behind me and feel healthy and good again. I have an appointment at the end of December for another CT scan, I will go to Houston (MD Anderson) again, and see my oncologist there. After that I would like to get the second mastectomy done. Sometimes I wonder if I should have a reconstructive surgery but the more I hear about it the more I decide against it. It is not one but several serious surgeries. First they put in an expander between your ribs and your muscle, then you go in every few weeks so they pump saline into the expander and stretch the skin. After several months you go back in and they take out the expander and put in a saline or silicone implant. After a few months they finally find their spot in your body, so now they can do another surgery to reconstruct the nipples. After that heals you go in for a tattoo job for the pigmentation of the nipple. And if there is not enough skin to expand sometimes they take skin from your back and transfer it to the front. That does sound pretty elaborate doesn't it. And I have heard enough bad stories that I really am afraid of it all. Some women are just flat chested, and I guess I will be one of them :)

Oh, I almost forgot to write what happened today. I went to a Podiatrist because my two big toe nails were coming loose and they started smelling really bad. As a matter of fact they were smelling so bad that before I figured out that the smell came from my toes I thought part of my body was decomposing (I know I know I am freaked out a little, but wouldn't you be?). The way I discovered where the smell was coming (I had an extra urge to find out after Ada hugged me one day and then stood back pinching her nose and said that I smelled bad) was because of the bandaids that I had been putting on my toes so the nail would come loose more. I guess keeping a bandaid over it made it worse and caused a fungal infection. Today the podiatrist said that I had fungal infections in/on/under some of the toe nails (mostly due to the suppressed immune system because of chemo and partly because of the nails being banged in my hiking boots in July, I guess fungus loves dried up blood). He cut off half of my left big toe (GROSS!); he said once the nails fall off they may or may not grow back - OK so I won't have a breast reconstruction so maybe I could have a fake toe nail put in??? I will have to use anti-fungal creams on my nails for at least a year because they are so hard to get rid of.

So I have about 36 hours to get well enough to take my last chemo. I won't say I am excited because I really dread the awful feeling afterwards but I WILL DO it, I CAN do it, as Ada says: I am a Hercule (she thinks Hercules is plural so when she talks about a single person she says Hercule). Please keep your prayers, positive thoughts, energy coming this way, I really appreciate them all.

Wish me STRENGTH! (not luck, as a dear friend wrote)

Have a fantastic week!

P.S. on a positive note: I DID start getting a little of eye brows, they are really short, but at least they guide me when I paint my eyebrows with my little brush. I also have extra short eyelashes but they make my eyes look more normal.

hair growing? really?

Well, it is more of a fuzz, like peaches, but I do have some new hair on my head and it is dark colored. What ever fuzz I had left was very light colored. I am not sure if it will really grow to make my head hairy again. There is also some hair showing up on my legs and arms - I wish all this effort would go to my eyebrows and eyelashes. By the way I have become quite competent in painting some eyebrows and putting in an eyeliner with a brush - quite an accomplishment for someone who rarely put on any make up :). I should take some pictures and post them.. maybe this weekend.

My sister and my two nieces left today, it was so nice to have them here. Deniz and Ada had playmates at all times (although we had to protect my baby niece from Ada many a times, since she could was a little too rough with her sometimes). And having a sister by your side is priceless. Well, now my two sisters will get to spend some time together and I hope they have a great time. But tonight the house was VERY quiet :).

Deniz started 1st grade today. I did not cry like I did last year when she walked into the classroom the first day of Kindergarten. It is a good thing, she needs the challenge and stimulation and I am sure she will do fine.

Ada will start pre-K tomorrow. I have been keeping her home with the hopes of minimizing the risk of diseases but I also do not want to hold her out too much, because I know the first days of school are important to find your friends and make new ones.

OK, I better go to sleep. This cycle seems to be better than last one. I was really out on Saturday and Sunday, basically spent most of both days in bed. And Monday I was miserable, but Tuesday I didn't have to take any anti-nausea medication and today I took only one. My energy levels are better, too. I could finally ride the stationary bike. Yaaay!

Good night everyone!

1 more to go

So this morning I went in for the second half of 5-FU. I was really not feeling well. The nausea has been much worse this cycle. I take the medication to keep it under control. But today just before getting the chemo I almost cried to my nice nurse. I think I am just tired. I remember when I was first diagnosed I kept saying that I was tough and that I could take the physical abuse due to chemo. And I do take it but it is getting harder and harder. With time the chemicals accumulate in my body even more so each cycle is a little harder. Buuuut I have only one cycle left.

Today was the first day of classes. And now we are a university. Our name changed from Mesa State College to Colorado Mesa University. The students were back, our campus that was quite quiet over the summer became alive again. In the morning I wasn't sure if I could teach my two classes, but I did. As a matter of fact it felt good to be in class again. I put hand sanitizer probably 20 times today. And thankfully tomorrow will be not too hard also. In the morning I go in for the Neulasta shot and then I will have the same classes as I did today, so no need for new prep. Yaaay for my department for getting me a relatively easy teaching load this semester. Do not get me wrong, I am teaching 12 credit hours and I will have almost 250 students this semester - isn't that crazy? But at least I have taught these classes before so it is much easier.

OK I better wrap up and go to sleep, I took my pill that will help with the nausea and make me sleepy :)

Cheers everybody!

3rd cycle FEC update

Since I knew my blood values were acceptable as of last week i wasn't too anxious about that. Access to the port was great except they had trouble withdrawing blood, but they got as much as they needed. This time I saw a different doctor and she was very nice. Very patient with all my questions and suggested I take another drug to help with my nausea, It is a proton pump inhibitor so that my stomach doesn't excrete as much acid and destroy the lining of my stomach since it is already under attack from the chemo. She said I was doing great considering what a harsh regimen I am receiving and that really made feel good. It is great when your doctor or nurse says that you are doing well. I actually felt pretty good going in. But with the ativan in my system I became pretty loopy again (I had the very same guy-nurse as I did the first round of Taxol) but this time I did not try to walk on a straight line for him (at least I don't have a recollection of that :) )
,
Last week I bumped on my left big toe nail and almost took it off completely. It bleed a lot. It is still attached but looks pretty dead, I keep a band-aid over it to try to keep on as long as possible. The doctor yesterday thought that my finger nails should be OK (because several of them are half way detached) - she thinks that the newly growing nail will keep the whole nail in place until the chemo is done and afterwards things should reverse.

I will go back on Monday morning to get the second half of 5-FU and then Tuesday morning to get Neulasta. By the way have I mentioned how much a single shot of Neulasta costs? over $5000!!! But it is worth it, I was talking to someone and he told me a story of a 30 year old father of 2 sons. He had testicular cancer and was doing OK on his chemo. Then his doctor persuaded him to get just one extra round of chemo and his white blood cells zeroed out, he went septic and died. I really don't appreciate of people telling me how their friends, acquaintances died of cancer but this one was actually a good story to appreciate that I am getting the care that will keep me healthy and out of trouble.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel finally. I am looking forward to feeling like myself again, except in much better shape than I was before the diagnosis. I am still exercising everyday, watching my diet (i.e. eating mostly plant based foods) and trying to keep a positive outlook on life. I actually did go through boxes and boxes of "junk" that had been accumlating in our sun room and garage and got rid of a lot of stuff, so that was one of my goals for the summer and I consider it 80% done, yaay for me.

School starts on MONDAY! I am looking forward being in class again but I will have to be extra careful not to get sick from my students or my kiddos. lost of handwashing.

Wishing you all a WONDERFUL WEEKEND!

gotta love Neulasta

So, on Monday I went in to have a blood test done. I called several times to get the results but no luck, so finally I went into the cancer center and tried to talk to someone face to face. The nurse said :"your white blood cells are OK but your hemoglobin is low, the triage nurse is talking to the dr to decide if you need a blood transfusion". Needless to say I was very upset, I do not want a blood transfusion if I can help it But she said that my WBC were 2200, so I was quite happy about that.

Finally the oncologists assistant nurse came to talk to me, it turns out the 2200 was the number of total WBC - however the more important value is the actual neutrophil count (ANC) and that was only 500. 1500 is the minimum level to be able to get chemo, at lower values one is very prone to infections. Thankfully the hemoglobin levels were not so low that they would require a blood transfusion. Instead I was told to come back on Thursday to repeat the test.

Well, today everything looked better, hemoglobin levels came back to almost normal, and ANC was 1700, yaaay! Aaaand I still have a week to get chemo so from now on the numbers should improve even more.

Another thing that happened this week is pain in my mouth, mostly on my tongue. Of course the first thought is mouth sores, but I could not see any open wounds, neither could the nurse on Monday, but she talked to the Dr. and they prescribed an antifungal medicine. Later in the day my mouth felt better and I decided to hold till it got worse. Then on Tuesday night I woke up with a lot of pain in mouth, and started the treatment, in the morning it had already improved. And now it is almost gone. I am not sure if it really was a fungal thing or a mouth sore about the start and with the WBC count reaching almost normal levels my body fixed it itself, whatever it is I am happy it feels better because it was making eating a hard task.

After a wonderful week for my eyes (thanks to the steroids and humid weather in GJ), the eyes are dry and itchy again. I even had a day where my vision was somewhat compromised, but not as bad as 3 weeks ago. The warm compresses and the artificial tears are helping, but I think the real solution will be when the chemo ends.

This week I have been going into my office every morning to get some work done. Classes start in 11 days, yikes! I still have so much to do. But I am also getting excited to teach again, I just have to be very careful not to get sick.

I doubt that I will have another post till next Friday when the 3rd cycle will be done.

Love to you all!

Neulasta not so bad so far

Yesterday I went to the hospital to get my Neulasta shot. Two options of getting it was on the back of my arm or on my tummy. I decided to get it on my tummy. It really didn't hurt so much. We were done in less than 5 minutes.

So far no bone pain, we'll see ...

By the way my eyes are MUCH better. Both eyes see at the same level, that makes reading and writing much much easier. I better get some work done this week, while the steroids last (actually I am not so sure if it is just steroids, I think the warm compresses and massages on my eye lids have helped together with artificial tears. My mouth started getting pretty dry also (another common side effect of the chemo), well at least this way I drink water.

My fatigue is definitely worse than the first time, nausea is also bothersome but I can still eat. I bet it is the combination of low red blood cells and accumulation of chemo drugs in my system. I managed to go on a walk with my sister and niece this morning so that was nice. We had a nice breakfast and now I am back in bed.

I feel so lucky that I can rest and do not need to worry about feeding the girls, doing laundry or other housework. Well, after tomorrow I will be halfway done with FEC also. Yuppiiiee!

oo-ooh, low ANC finally caught up

This morning we went in for both blood work and a visit with the oncologist, hopefully to be followed by infusion.

When they accessed my port (i.e. when they poked the needle into the port) it HURT! seriously it hurt so much I had tears in my eyes. This had not happened before. There have been sometimes where I would feel he poke but it was instantaneous and not that bad. This time the pain was quite bad from the moment it was put in, till for at least half an hour later. I don't know why.. I put on my EMLA cream, covered it with press and seal, just like always, oh well, at least there are only a few more pokes left and I will make sure I will put a lot more cream on this time.

When the Dr. came into the room, she said that my white blood cell count was pretty low, lower than their threshhold but that she was going to give this cycle of chemo anyway BECAUSE tomorrow I will be getting the Neulasta shot. This particular drug makes your body make more white blood cells so your body is not totally defenseless against infections during this periods of time. It may have the side effect of causing bone pain for 3-7 days, some people do not feel much, some people think about stopping the treatment due to it. But I am allowed to drug myself so we can keep the pain under control. Tomorrow 9:10 am.. I will let you know how it went.

Today after chemo I was feeling loopy - thanks to Ativan. So as soon as I got home, I laid down and apparently I slept for several hours. There is a little nausea and I am a little dizzy walking around so I am in bed unless I have to get up. For dinner I had cut up fruit and that felt good. I already took Zofran for the night, I even took a Claratin, because the nurses have this notion that taking Claratin the day before, the day of and the day after the Neulasta shot actually lowers the risk of bone pain. Hey that is easy to do, I sometimes take Claratin for my eyes anyway so why not?

On a good note, I am almost half way done with FEC, only two more. What really drives me nuts sometimes is not the nausea or loss of appetite or loss of taste or fatigue but rather worry/wonder about the different things that happen in my body and if they are linked to cancer. For example, this eye thing, is it really just dry eye? It seems to get better with regular drop use - as my oncologist said a brain tumor's effect would not fluctuate that much. Another thing: I had lost a few patches of skin/muscle that I had lost sensation/feeling of on the left side after the mastectomy surgery. Now it seems that some nerves are making connections, some areas of the mastectomy site seems more tender than others. There is one spot, (close to my sternum), that when touched actually feels like I am touching a region closer to my arm pit :) it is funny. The doctor's visits are good for these. I ask all these questions and most of the time she has good answers that usually sooth me.

It will be harder when the treatments are finished and I do not come back to the cancer center frequently - that will be an important time to be busy, to go to counseling and maybe even join a support group.

On a more positive note: I had been looking for quotes, or a few sentences that I could have printed under my picture for that "putting a face on cancer" project. and I think I came up with one. It something that Ada says and it makes me smile, and I totally agree with her, so here is the rough draft of what I am thinking:

Most days, usually out of nowhere my 4-year old says: "Today is the BESTEST day ever!". When I hear her I smile; I couldn't agree more.

I may put in a short few sentences about my diagnosis and what stage in progress I am. But I really want to keep it sweet and short.

Our former next door neighbors had a sign posted on their backyard shed that I appreciated as well it said: "These Are the Good Old Days"

Even though I had pretty good memories/experiences in the life I really prefer today (although the other day when we were looking for pictures on the computer, I came across pictures taken before February 21, and thought I careless life used to before my diagnosis, and I DID long for those days). In terms of future I am working on having dreams/plans for next year, and hopefully soon for even further into the future.

I am wishing you all the BESTEST weekend ever!

new chemo new side effects

I have been bad. I had not noticed that it had been 10 days since the last post. The good new is that I am in general doing pretty well.

Last weekend the nausea started to subside. On Sunday Dan and I left to collect beetles in Utah. For the last 6 years we had never gone on a trip just the two of us. So I was pretty excited - I thought of it as a mini vacation. I figured it would be mostly driving and spending time with nets in our hands, but even that is a luxury: driving in the car and not to have kids whining in the back or even staying in a hotel without having to spend most of the night awake to make sure the little ones do not fall of the bed and that we do not get kicked and elbowed by them :).

Sunday we left home after 3 pm. We drove till 8:30 and finally found a spot where there were larvae on tamerisk and collected some. It was 10 pm by the time we found a hotel to stay.

The next morning after breakfast I felt that my eyes were not normal (the pink eye thing had been gone for a week but it came back as soon as the steroids wore off). Not only were they really itchy and scratchy but I had blurry vision also. I called and made and appointment with the eye doctor and we left the hotel to collect more beetles. During the drive I had trouble reading the road signs and I started freaking out. Is it a stroke? (having the port is great for the infusion but it can sometimes cause blot clots so it can also be scary) Do I have a brain tumor?Should we had back home right away, should I go to the ER at the nearest town? Thankfully Dan kept calm and I tried to meditate, keep my mind busy with other things, and towards the afternoon it was a little better. But instead of being a fun day I turned it into a a moody and not such a fun day. We decided to start driving back that night so we would be closer to home and on Tuesday I felt much better, my eyes were almost back to normal - so my mood was better.

The eye doctor looked at my eyes. He thinks that my eyes are/were so dry that my cornea had trouble focusing the lens. It turns out we have these glands that make an oily substance on our eye lids, so everytime we blink the oil that is produced is layered over our eye to keep that tears from evaporating easier. Well, he said that my eye lid glands were clogged/ inflamed so they were not producing that oil as they should, so my eyes were drying out easier. So now, twice a day I do warm compress over my eyes, massage to get the gook out of the glands and clean with diluted baby shampoo. Several times a day, I use artificial tears to keep my eyes hydrated. They still get pretty itchy and scratchy sometimes. My vision is better but it is not easy to read (this is the longest time I have spent typing/reading on the computer screen since last weekend). I hope that it will get better soon.

Otherwise I feel almost normal. The fatigue isn't that bad, I started having an appetite since Monday.. so I really shouldn't complain. I think I just will have to learn to deal with this chemo. With Taxol it was the neuropathy, with FEC it is nausea and dry eyes (the funny think is that in these cases your eyes sometimes overproduce tears, so I will have tears running down my cheek but still have my eyes dry).

I will go in for the second FEC next Friday, so it is actually pretty awesome that I get to spend 10 days or so feeling normal. On Friday they will check the blood cells again. Keep your fingers crossed that I will have enough white blood cells so they can give me the chemo - there is actually a drug, Neulasta, that they inject to amplify the white blood cells, but I am trying to do without it if I can. They say that neulasta can cause bone pain but the good thing is that it would keep my white blood cell count at a reasonable level. Then again I feel weird having chemo to kill "fast diving cells" and then getting a drug to make a certain type of cells divide rapidly.

OK, I better go sleep now, it is almost midnight. Night night, don't let the bed bugs bite!

Day 4 -update

This morning at 7:30 am I got the second dose of 5-FU. As premeds I got 10 mg of steroids (just like Friday). The good thing about the steroids is that they make my pink eye go away - and minimize the side effects of the chemo of course. I woke up with some nausea so I took Zofran, and it helped. The infusion was quite short and easy, we were done just over an hour. After coming home I took a nap. Nausea is there but not so much that I feel like vomiting, a lot like what I had when I was pregnant, a nagging feeling in the background. I have eaten little meals and spent most of the day in the bed. I hope that by tomorrow I will start feeling better and can start moving around more.

Day 3 - so far so good

On Friday afternoon I got my first round of FEC. This is a combination of 3 drugs, 5-FU (a base analog), Epirubicin (an anticancer antibiotic - a DNA intercalating agent) and Cytoxan (a DNA alkylating agent). Basically they all damage the DNA, with the hopes that the cells that need to replicate their DNA will die and that most of those cells are the cancer cells. They each have their own side effects. For example one has a lifetime dose of Epirubicin that they can take because it is toxic to one's heart, another can cause bladder bleeding, nausea/vomiting etc. The blood cells counts (both white and red) are expected to fall around 10-14 days after infusion - well those cells DO divide frequently, don't they.

Well, right now it is Sunday afternoon and I am doing fine. I spent about half of yesterday in bed, on and off, and today I took a nap - I am not sure how long it has been, but it is mostly precautionary resting. I have been told that today (on day 3) I would feel the fatigue and possibly the nausea, and would feel not so great for a few days. I am sure that I am jinxing myself right now, but if it stays like this, it is not too bad :).

I am sure the medication I am taking is helping a lot. All of the $420 worth pills (Emend) are gone as of this morning. I am also taking Zofran in the morning and at night. And there are 3 more drugs sitting on my night stand if I need them.

Tomorrow early in the morning I will go back to the cancer center for the second dose of 5-FU.

In the morning we started setting up the trampoline that my family got the girls for their birthdays but was interrupted by a monsoon rain storm. I want to jump on the trampoline when it is done :)

I hope everyone's weekend was great,

Nice break

Last week I did not get chemo for the first time in 12 weeks. It was AWESOME!!! On Friday we took a short family vacation down to south-west corner of Colorado. Deniz wanted to see the Four Corners (where a person could stand on four states - Colorado, Arizona, Utah and New Mexico) at once, Ada wanted to see a ghost town.

So on Friday we drove down to Four Corners had our pictures taken, then we stayed at the lodge inside the Mesa Verde National Park. Dan and I had been to Mesa Verde National part just over 10 years ago, and had liked it. Staying within the park was nice. On Saturday we did one guided tour of one of the cliff settlements and one self guided one, and then drove to Durango. Our hotel had a swimming pool so the girls and I took a dip, but it really wasn't a great pool, too much chemicals in the water, it smelled pretty strong. For dinner we met a good friend. And then on Sunday morning we started our drive back, stopped at a ghost town just before Ouray. It was raining pretty bad - and believe it or not the temperature was 47F in some places. Thankfully we got about 15 minute break in the rain, jumped out of the car, toured a few of the houses and got back in the car before getting soaked. When we got back to town it was 100F!!

So it was great that we could cover all that we wanted to cover. I was pretty energetic the whole trip, although I did take a nap after getting home on Sunday afternoon. When we asked the kids what was their favorite part about the whole trip, Ada's response was "sharing the umbrella with my dad" and Deniz's response was " to jump from one bed to the other". Well, I guess we could have achieved those moments without leaving the town, but I am sure they will remember this trip when they are older.

Here are a few pictures from the trip:

The view from where we stopped to have a picnic lunch:


Deniz with one limb on each state:


Ada with her native American hair clips:

Cliff palace :

Chilling in the shade:
lots of ladders to climb:
The houses in the ghost town were still in great shape:

Yesterday was 4th of July, so the girls enjoyed the fireworks at night, and there were a LOT of them in our neighborhood. I LOVE long weekends, don't you?

This morning I saw my oncologist. We will start the next round of chemo on Friday, I will have half of a drug dose on Monday. They prescribed an anti-nausea drug, when I went to the pharmacy they said that it needed pre-authorization from the insurance company, otherwise it costs $440 for one treatment (3 pills) - I sure hope I get it preauthorized :)

I will try to get in an update for y'all over the weekend. New drugs, new side effects, new routine.. (one of the side effects is that I will pee RED for the first two days, the side effect of another drug is bleeding in the bladder :) )

Cheers!

update

The Dr. called yesterday evening to say that the CT scan showed no cancer, so that is great news. I was quite stressed about it. Thank you for all the prayers and positive energy sent my way. Now it is time to relax and enjoy some family time.

I will see the oncologist on Tuesday morning and have the chemo on Thursday. They wanted to move the whole appointment to the following Monday but I didn't want to because that would mean that I would get two chemo cycles after the semester starts, rather than just one. Plus having the chemo on a Monday means being sick Wednesday - Saturday, not so great...

Wishing everyone a great weekend.

Half way point - CT scan

So last Thursday was my last Taxol. I finished 12 weeks, can you believe it? My blood values were just above the threshold, so I could still get it. This weekend hit me harder than usual. I actually got a nagging heartburn/nausea that made me not want to eat anything for a few days. I feel lucky that of 12 weeks of chemo it has been only one where I actually felt bad.

My pink eye got worse last week. The oncologist I saw on Thursday prescribed an antibiotic eye drop, but by the Thursday evening it had gotten better (without drops), and Friday it was almost gone and on Saturday it seemed even better. Then on Sunday it started getting pink again, and it has been been pink yesterday and today. Yesterday I started using the antibiotic drop, we'll see if it will help. But I really think it is allergies and the steroids/other drugs that they give me on Thursday suppress it for a few days and it comes back again.

This morning I had a CT scan of the chest. It is a planned scan but still it makes me nervous, so any prayers/positive thoughts my way are greatly appreciated. Today we are going to have Ada's birthday party, so I welcome the distraction.

This weekend we'll try to squeeze in a family vacation before starting FEC next week. It will be nice to be together and travel..

Cheers,

11 down 1 to go..

This weeks Taxol went event less, so that is good. We had a little scare in the morning. I had had a pinkish eye for the last two days, so I decided to call the cancer center and ask them if the oncologist wanted to see me or if I should go to my PCP. And their response was to go to the PCP and then let them know of the situation, because they were going to decide if I was going to get chemo that day based on what the doctor said. I had not thought that they would postpone a chemo treatment due to a pink eye.. and mine was not even a real bad one.
So I went to the PCP and she thought it could be either viral or allergic conjunctivitis, and told me to take Clearatin for the next week.. no reason not to take chemo. Yaaay!

Blood withdrawal went with no problems, the blood values were fine, I even took a nap during the infusion. The nurses didn't want to wake me up so they asked Dan to wake me up...

Today, being Saturday, is of course my down day. Neuropathy is back, my nails are bothering me more and more - they are still attached to my fingers but tasks like taking off my watch or opening a ketchup bottle makes me appreciate how much we actually use our finger nails. Who knows maybe I will get to keep my nails since I have only one more Taxol to go.. They hurt, they hurt as if you closed the drawer on them, they also changed color. Oooh, listen to me, complain complain complain.. This is really nothing, we'll see what kind of side effects we'll observe with FEC. I finally had the guts to read all the info sheets they gave about those. One of the drugs is toxic to your heart, so they monitor your heart function to make sure that you won't lose more than acceptable. As I understand it the nausea and fatigue will be real issues, but everybody experiences these differently, so I will wait and see rather than worrying about it now.

My mom is back, yaaay! She came last night, the girls were very excited to see their anneanne (grandma).

OK, it is time to rest.. I hope everyone is having a great weekend, and will have an awesome Father's day tomorrow..

Smile, life is good.

have I mentioned hot flashes?

For several weeks now, I am having what we believe are hot flashes.. you know, those instant feeling of being really hot, sometimes followed with a sweat.. So I now understand what women who go through menopause feel :) and I sympathize with them..

I also sympathize with people (mostly men) who are bold.. I know it is not a big deal but have you ever been attacked by mosquitoes? Never in my life have had to protect my skull from them, all that hair had a lot of function, that I did not appreciate..

Neuropathy is definitely there.. I am hoping that it will be reversible after the treatments are over.

Otherwise I am doing well, getting ready for Merry Maids tomorrow.. boy do we have a lot of stuff, I am trying to get rid of as much as possible..

Ceramics class yesterday was fun and worked perfect to make me forget about everything for 3 hours and focus on making one thing..

OK, gotta get back to tidying..

Enjoy this beautiful summer day ( I know it is not officially summer yet, but it sure feels like it)..

taking the 10th taxol

Here I am. Being infused with 10th cycle of taxol. Only 2 more left after today. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will give only 2 weeks of a break between taxol and FEC, So July 7th will be the first day of FEC. That means that I will have to get only one cycle of FEC after the fall semester starts. Yaaay!

Today my ANC (actual neutrophil count) came back fine. Last week it was below 2000, this week it is over 2200. I am guessing my body has recovered from the cold I had. Yaaay!

In addition to neuropathy I started having this weird pain on both of my index fingers yesterday. It feels like I closed a drawer on the tip of those fingers. The doctor thought that it might be that the nails are getting hit by taxol, just like hair did, so I might lose those fingernails.. Creepy :).. but they are supposed to grow back.

By the way I have been compiling a list for what is good about hair loss.. the points are not necessarily in order but here it goes:

- no need to worry for hair removal (especially handy in the summer months :) )

- very little shampoo use

- no need to use conditioner

- a lot of time saved from washing, brushing, drying hair

- no use of hair dryers - lower electricity bill

- get to wear cute hats, scarves, and get complimented for it

- impress/shock your kids' friends with your bold head

- removal of bandaids is not painful (this one is from Deniz)

- being told that you look like Demi Moore, or for that matter Yul Brynner

I am feeling well, busy with the girls' schedules. They started swimming lessons on Tuesday. It is at the swimming pool on campus, the teachers are members of the swim team (some of them were my students this year). Both girls enjoy it and have been doing well, I hope that by the end of the summer we'll have made some progress. Girls whose names mean "the sea" and "island" gotta know how to swim, right?

With Deniz going to art camp and Ada to the day care I actually have been able to go to work everyday and do a little of work. Got a little work done in the lab, it feels great to be at the bench again.

Wishing everyone a great weekend..

9th taxol down, 3 to go

OK, this week I slacked.. I meant to write several times but never got to it. Chemo went well. I forgot to put my EMLA cream on before arriving at the cancer center, so instead we put on an icebag over my port. It worked OK, not as good as the cream, I did feel the poke, not a bad one but a poke never the less. I will try not to forget about putting on the cream next time.

No rash during or after chemo. so yaaay!

With the help of the antibiotics I finally got over the cold/sinus infection. On Saturday I got tired but not too bad, and on Sunday we actually worked on the yard, started and adjusted the sprinklers (our neighbors started watering their lawns back in April, we waited for June :), the girls ran under the sprinklers with their swimsuits on, they had a picnic with watermelon dripping down their chins. I made this dish with whole wheat spaghetti with shrimp, lambsquarter, mushrooms, garlic, tomatoes and basil. In short, Sunday was a beautiful and great day.

Neuropathy was almost non existent on Saturday but became noticeable on Sunday and it is still here today (Monday).

Today I started a ceramics class. This was a dream of mine for many many years. Last time I worked with clay (I am not counting girls' play dough) was college.. I had made a few pieces that I was very proud of. So when I signed Deniz up for art camp, I signed myself up for ceramics class. I had to talk to the instructor because she only wanted intermediate/advanced students in her class and they had cancelled the beginners class, after some talking she agreed to take me on. And then today after she gave me a few looks when I had no idea what she was talking about, I mentioned my diagnosis and how I always wanted to do it, etc etc - basically played the cancer card and it looks like it worked. Plus I am a quick learner. It was fun, it was therapeutic, I am looking forward to next week. The class is pretty small, there are only 5 students, I am the youngest. One of the ladies is a breast cancer survivor.. I am beginning to think that there is a secret sorority of cancer survivors, we are everywhere but do not stand out in everyone faces.

Today I finally got a call from Merry Maids. We will find a time next week when they come and clean our house. So here is the deal, there is a program called "cleaning for a reason" and if you have been diagnosed with cancer and are undergoing treatment they come and clean your house for free every month. Isn't that great?? I am not sure how long they stay and what kind of cleaning they do, but even if they could mop the floors and vacuum the carpets and maybe clean the bathrooms that would be awesome. So cancer sucks but there are a few perks :)

OK, it is time to sleep, have a great night everyone! don't let the bed bugs bite ;)

finally better..

Yesterday my cold got really bad.. I had a bad sore throat, cough, headache even a low degree fever (37.4 C).. I spent most of the day in the bed.. I called the doctor and she prescribed antibiotics.. Antibiotics are GREAT! I feel so much better today.. I am still a little stuffy but fever is gone, sore throat is gone and my cough is almost gone. It was also very helpful that I slept almost 9.5 hours even though it was interrupted with kids needing to go to potty, to drink water or just to be comforted because of a bad dream.. Dan developed a fever last night also.
This afternoon I took the girls to the doctor and they got on antibiotics also, so the whole family is on Zitromax.. hopefully we'll all get better really soon and start enjoying this gorgeous weather.

Today I took Deniz to the dentist, for a check-up. And the lady cleaning her teeth told me that she also had breast cancer. She just finished her treatment in September and was so happy to get her hair back.. It is amazing how many people out there are touched with this thing..

OK, gotta go, give the girls a shower, read books and get them to bed. I am LOVING summer, it is so nice to wake up and not need to rush to get them out of the house at a certain time. We had our lunch outside on the front lawn, on our picnic blanket, it felt AWESOME..

Wishing everyone a WONDERFUL evening...

Saturdays..

Good news.. I did not have any rash this week either!! They do give me quite a bit of steroids and I do take Benadryl the night of chemo.. so I am guessing those are helping.

The cold is still going on, it will probably turn into a sinus infection, just like most of my colds end up doing.. right now I am dealing with a stuffy nose.

It is Saturday and I feel TIRED! I know I should be in peace with this fact and just allow myself not to feel guilty for spending a day basically doing nothing but it is hard. I slept for an hour earlier, but I think I need more. It is just that I couldn't bounce from chemo last week - mostly due to the cold - that I feel like I have been tired forever. And this is the EASY stuff.. we'll see how I will feel when the FEC (the other kind of chemo that I will get July - September) starts.. I have a feeling I will look back and say, what was I thinking, complaining about that time :).

In terms of side effects, the neuropathy is back, mostly sensitivity to hot water on my hands, and numbness/tingling on my fingers and toes. My mouth doesn't taste much.. some of it is because of the cold but there is an effect of the chemo also.

I usually try to NOT read about breast cancer (especially Triple Negative Breast Cancer) on the internet.. because a lot of times when I read it, it upsets me. But once in a while I cannot help myself. I look if there is anything new, any new treatments, drugs, discoveries.. So I did again today.. nothing really new. Most of the new drugs are being tested for metastatic breast cancer, which I REALLY HOPE that I will NOT need.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend - it is a three day weekend!

Oooh, I will add a picture of me from about a month ago when I was being "infused".. so you have an idea of what it is like. The recliner I am sitting has a heat function and can also do some massage (not great), basically they put a needle in my port, and give the drugs through there. If I need to go somewhere (like potty) I can push the thing that has all the drugs and the peristaltic pump attached to it with me. But mostly I sit/lay down, take it easy. Depending on who is with me, we chat, read, surf the internet or just rest..