When they accessed my port (i.e. when they poked the needle into the port) it HURT! seriously it hurt so much I had tears in my eyes. This had not happened before. There have been sometimes where I would feel he poke but it was instantaneous and not that bad. This time the pain was quite bad from the moment it was put in, till for at least half an hour later. I don't know why.. I put on my EMLA cream, covered it with press and seal, just like always, oh well, at least there are only a few more pokes left and I will make sure I will put a lot more cream on this time.
When the Dr. came into the room, she said that my white blood cell count was pretty low, lower than their threshhold but that she was going to give this cycle of chemo anyway BECAUSE tomorrow I will be getting the Neulasta shot. This particular drug makes your body make more white blood cells so your body is not totally defenseless against infections during this periods of time. It may have the side effect of causing bone pain for 3-7 days, some people do not feel much, some people think about stopping the treatment due to it. But I am allowed to drug myself so we can keep the pain under control. Tomorrow 9:10 am.. I will let you know how it went.
Today after chemo I was feeling loopy - thanks to Ativan. So as soon as I got home, I laid down and apparently I slept for several hours. There is a little nausea and I am a little dizzy walking around so I am in bed unless I have to get up. For dinner I had cut up fruit and that felt good. I already took Zofran for the night, I even took a Claratin, because the nurses have this notion that taking Claratin the day before, the day of and the day after the Neulasta shot actually lowers the risk of bone pain. Hey that is easy to do, I sometimes take Claratin for my eyes anyway so why not?
On a good note, I am almost half way done with FEC, only two more. What really drives me nuts sometimes is not the nausea or loss of appetite or loss of taste or fatigue but rather worry/wonder about the different things that happen in my body and if they are linked to cancer. For example, this eye thing, is it really just dry eye? It seems to get better with regular drop use - as my oncologist said a brain tumor's effect would not fluctuate that much. Another thing: I had lost a few patches of skin/muscle that I had lost sensation/feeling of on the left side after the mastectomy surgery. Now it seems that some nerves are making connections, some areas of the mastectomy site seems more tender than others. There is one spot, (close to my sternum), that when touched actually feels like I am touching a region closer to my arm pit :) it is funny. The doctor's visits are good for these. I ask all these questions and most of the time she has good answers that usually sooth me.
It will be harder when the treatments are finished and I do not come back to the cancer center frequently - that will be an important time to be busy, to go to counseling and maybe even join a support group.
On a more positive note: I had been looking for quotes, or a few sentences that I could have printed under my picture for that "putting a face on cancer" project. and I think I came up with one. It something that Ada says and it makes me smile, and I totally agree with her, so here is the rough draft of what I am thinking:
Most days, usually out of nowhere my 4-year old says: "Today is the BESTEST day ever!". When I hear her I smile; I couldn't agree more.
I may put in a short few sentences about my diagnosis and what stage in progress I am. But I really want to keep it sweet and short.
Our former next door neighbors had a sign posted on their backyard shed that I appreciated as well it said: "These Are the Good Old Days"
Even though I had pretty good memories/experiences in the life I really prefer today (although the other day when we were looking for pictures on the computer, I came across pictures taken before February 21, and thought I careless life used to before my diagnosis, and I DID long for those days). In terms of future I am working on having dreams/plans for next year, and hopefully soon for even further into the future.
I am wishing you all the BESTEST weekend ever!
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