see you in March

This morning I spent close to two hours in the exam room.  First the nurse's assistant (I am so bad at remembering the different kind of nurse titles) took my vitals, then another one asked me how I felt and entered the info in the computer then a nurse practitioner came and physically examined my chest area (well since there are no more breasts it is mostly the thin layer of muscle that covers the ribs) and underarms.  She also addressed the "discomfort" I have been having on my right side of the chest.  It really isn't a pain, rather a pulling sensation, sometimes a little burning sensation and it is most likely due to the scar tissue left over from the mastectomy and nerves trying to rewire.  But every time I feel these sensations I become overly sensitive and wonder if it is more than that. 
I also had problems with my ears for the last two weeks or so.  It felt like they were clogged, almost like having water in the ears, making it hard to hear.  I had even gone to the ENT but he couldn't see any infections and gave a nose spray to lower the swelling of the nasal tissue.  Well the spray has a risk of allowing fungal infections to occur and since my chemotherapy I feel like my Eustachian tube is especially prone to fungal infections.  So I have not used the spray.  I have been able to equalize the pressure in my ears since the doctors visit and have been patiently waiting for the "clogged" feeling to go away.  Guess what?  yesterday in the airplane going up and down I had some trouble equalizing the ears, but something happened and I can hear fine again!  yaaay!  You know..  when things like this linger I start thinking of unpleasant scenarios...  I wish there was a way of "seeing" what is going on in my body without exposing myself to more radiation than I already got. 
Anyway since this problem was solved, I didn't have to talk about it to the Dr. - it was on my list originally though.
Well finally after 1 hr and 45 minutes the Dr. came, talked about the scar tissue, saying that the pains from surgeries sometimes do not go away for years.  I told her about my D&C story but she totally dissed it saying that my gynecologist should be looking into it.  I know she specializes in breast cancer and I know they are very busy, but sometimes I wish a doctor of mine would not just focus on my ears, or just on my uterus or just my breast but see me as a whole!!  The first time I had heard of holistic medicine was in grad school, but now I understand it with all my being and wish to find a doctor where I do not feel like I am taking up their most precious time by talking about another part of my body.  I think the closest I have to what I want is my Dr. of acupuncture.  I feel like she listens to me, and treats my whole body.  It has been a great decision to try acupuncture and stick with it, it has greatly helped me in this last year. (I wish the health insurance would pay at least part of it).
Anyway to cut the short story even shorter, she wants to see me in March, I will get a CT scan of the chest also.
By the way not to go into politics but health insurance has been on my mind a lot lately.  For over a year I managed to get medical bills around 10K per month.  Thankfully my health insurance is great and has covered a LOT (even with health insurance though our medical bills were high enough that we could get a tax deduction).  Now I wonder if health insurances are given the right to refuse coverage or individuals with preexisting conditions, what would I do?  One of those CT scans is around 8-9K!! 
Something to ponder about...

Tomorrow I fly back home, I miss my girls, I miss my husband.  I miss my cute little town, it has been crazy today driving in a big city with traffic - despite my navigator on my iPhone.  I am excited to get back to my classes.  I am thankful that it was a boring Dr.s visit and hope all will be like this.

Till next time, y'all, Good night and Good luck!

Business or pleasure

It seems like I have been asked if I am visiting Houston for business or pleasure many times since yesterday. They want to know to check a box in their questionair. But what to say? It is not business and it sure is not PLEASURE!! Well I guess I am planning to have a nice lunch at a thai restaurant and then maybe visit the museum of the history of natural museum before heading back to the hotel and preparing lectures and exams. So maybe it is both???!
Anyway I am in my robe waiting to see the Dr. It has been almost 50 minutes since they took me in but it is just the way it is here. So many patients, so many cases. That is a reason why I like coming here. I sure am not alone in this boat.

Houston bound

I am on my way to Houston for a check-up. It will be good to see and talk to the Dr., be at MD Anderson in the month of October. I will update tomorrow after the appointment.

Good news!

The nurse called and said that the pathology came back clean.  The tissue was normal prolific growth that happens during menstrual cycle.  So I was just having a period, period (pun intended).  I am relieved and happy ( and proud of myself for not letting this bother me too much).  I think I am now going to order those shoes that I saw online the other day :)

I have a post-op scheduled with the Dr in 12 days, we'll see if she will want another ultrasound.

Thank you for all the prayers and kind messages!

Have a FABULOUS Thursday everybody!

So far so good

I got out of OR about an hour ago. The Dr said it looked good inside no polyps or such. Sent the tissue that she got out to pathology, we should get the results sometime this week. So far minimal pain, will go home soon. Thank you for all the prayers and positive thoughts!

D and C

OK, so I had written the last post last weekend. Over the last week, i dad see my gyn, and as expected she wanted to do a biopsy. And she tried, but not much luck. My cervix was so tught she could not insert the probe through to get samples. Sooo I am scheduled for a D&C tomorrow. Basically they will dialate my cervix and scrape the uterine lining to get tissue for biopsy. Also she is planning to do a hysteroscopy, where she will insert a camera into my uterus and look around.
So tomorrow we will have some information ( just from the visuals) and later in the week we should get the results for the pathology.
In general I have been calm. As a matter of fact I had what I would call a real period last week, my hormone levels seemed normal and confirmed that I was not in menapause. So i feel like the thickening was just my body getting ready for shedding some uterine lining. But it will be good to confirm that there is nothing to worry about sonce we do have this abnormal result from the U/S.
I will try to write tomorrow and give an update. If you happen to have a few minutes tomorrow around noon Colorado time, think of me :).
Cheers,

to menapause or not to menapause

It really isn't fair that I come here to write about things that bother me.  I actually had a wonderful, beautiful, fun, and amazing summer.  We spent almost 15 days at the beach (at three different places), the girls learned to snorkel, we held hands and looked at fish, sea urchins, hermit crabs, etc.  Found seashells on the beach.  Built sand castles.  Played frisbee in the sea. Had wonderful food. Slept together. Took ferries together. Flew in airplanes together. Played with cousins. Saw friends that I hadn't seen for 23 years. Got to spend time with family. And I feel so blessed, so lucky to have such a great family, to have had all this opportunity.  Everyday I was grateful that I could be doing all the these things and did not take it for granted.

So where am I now?  Well,  I have been having pretty irregular periods (that is an understatement).  I had spotting for over 45 days.  Sometimes so little I would doubt myself, and some days almost enough to make me believe that it was a real period.  I made an appointment with my gyn even while I was still in Istanbul, but the earliest they could give me was last Thursday.

I finally got to talk to her, she suggested blood tests to check on hormone levels and an Ultrasound (because she couldn't feel the strings of my IUD) but also to make sure there were no fibroids,etc.  Got the appointment for same day!  The technician doing the ultrasound was much more informative than they usually tend to be.  I found out that I had 1 (maybe 2?) cysts on my left ovary - but she said they come and go, grow and shrink, not too much to worry about.  But she seemed concerned that my uterine wall was thickened!!  Even though I had promised myself not to check in the internet, one of the first things that shows up for thickened uterine wall is, uterine cancer!!  Really, I mean really??  I am pretty sure the doctor will request a biopsy right away, and then maybe more.  At this point I am ready for the biopsy and will not freak out.  It seems like how much worse than a liver biopsy can it be?  (I sure hope they do give some kind of pain killer)
To be continued

Arthiritis it is

I got the phone call today, the x-ray showed that I have a little arthiritis in my backbone. Yaaay! I am so happy.

see you in 6 months

that's what the doctor said!  I thought that for 2 years I had to have check-ups every 3 months, but I guess I was wrong.  The blood tests all came back normal.  Physical examination was fine.  I did have an X-ray of my backbone taken, just to make sure that the discomfort that I feel is nothing serious.  Should get the result of that tomorrow.  So I am very very happy.  OK, better get back to work before I go to pick up that girls from art camp.  Thank you for all your prayers. 

Check-up tomorrow

So tomorrow is another 3 month (actually it is 2 months, because I will be gone next month) check up.  I am a little stressed, as it is expected.  Well, this time I won't have my port for blood-draw, let's hope the vein in my right arm cooperates. Had my acupuncture today.  Have I mentioned how much I love it?  it really helps to relax me and calm me down.  I truly feel better afterwords, sometimes I even take a nap.  I call it my "maintenance plan". 
I will put a short update tomorrow - hopefully all will be good and we can be on our way for a restful and peaceful vacation next week.

Oh, yesterday I saw my surgeon, he said that the surgery site looked good and that he did not need to see me again.  Boy I love it when doctors tell me that they do not want to see me again :)

Feeling good again

It has been a while since my last update.  It has been over 3 weeks now since the surgery.  Finally in the last few days I have been feeling really good.  Exactly 5 days after the surgery I started having some back pain that felt like an electric shock that started in my back and radiated through my body.  Thankfully that day I was seeing the Dr. and he said that the most likely explanation would be that it was due to the way they strapped me down during the surgery.  After about 36 hrs of this weird feeling it went away.  Then about 10 days after the surgery I started having a weird headache, similar to the back pain in that it was also pulsating like an electric shock, hitting from the left back side towards my left eye socket.  Again after 2 days or so it went away.  Then the following week the back ache came back, not as strong as last time but definitely bothersome.  Finally I gave in and called my oncologist to make an appointment, but she was out of town so they called me back on Monday.  Well, by then I had already been to my acupuncturist and the pain was gone.  So I am waiting till next week when I was supposed to see my oncologist anyway.  The acupuncturist thought it was due to the tense muscles on my back, both from the surgery and afterwards from trying to protect my right side and being stiff.  In addition to acupuncture she also did "cupping" where she burns an alcohol swab in a glass cup, blows out the flame and immediately puts it on my back.  As the vacuum formed the cup sucked on my back, she moved it around - and yes I did get bunch of hickies on my back but I do not care. It helped.

Yesterday and today have been awesome, no weird pains, no GI problems that I had for a week or so, it is so great to feel like myself again.  Even my right side feels almost normal, I can raise my right arm quite high, use it almost as normal as the left arm.

In 2 weeks we will be flying to Turkey.  We are getting excited about the trip, although leaving Dan behind will be sad.  Part of the vacation is already planned.  While in Istanbul we'll get to see our family.  I am also trying to line up dinners/get togethers with friends.

OK, I better go, I will put up another update in a week, after I see the oncologist. Cheers everyone!

Oh, as I promised here is a picture of me.  This was taken at Ada's graduation from preschool.

This is my port!

So I got home yesterday.  The pain has been improving.  I stopped taking vicodin (at least for now) and switched to advil.  The girls seem to be not bothered by the whole ordeal at all, I guess we have been through this before.  And this time it seems better, probably because I do not have all those unknowns and knows of last time.  The pathology report came back clean - that is what we were expecting/hoping but still it is good to know.  Now it is just a matter of healing and getting back to normal life.  It is a huge relief that the classes are over, now I can focus on other things such as research and next semester's classes :)
I will post a picture of my port, which was also removed during the surgery on Monday.  I put my hand next to it so you get an idea of how big it is.  I know I owe you all a picture of me with my short and curly hair, as soon as I have a good one I will post that also.  Now that my mother is here she is taking a lot of pictures of me :).

I hope everyone's May is going well..

I am out of surgery

The surgery went well. I am in my room. Have some pain and feel a little tired. Will rest some. Then maybe tonight Dan and I can watch a movie and call it a date :)
My mom has been home with Ada, I guess her fever is down. I so hope that it is/was one of those 24 hr high fever mystery viral infectiond.
Ok I will take a nap now. Cheers!

Tomorrow - second mastectomy

I think Ada feels that her mommy is about to give up a boob and to prevent it from happening she runs 105F (40.6C) fever. No kidding we spent the morning of Mother's day at the ER. She tested negative for strep and flu so they sent us home - lots of fluid, alternating tylenol/ibuprofen to keep the fever from getting too high. Last year she had flu. We all had to use Tamiflu so we would not get it and it had worked. So far Ada is the only one that is sick. I hope noone else gets it. I washed my hands a 100 times today probably- they are bleeding from dryness.
About the surgery.. I am stressed. Last time there wasn't time to think about it, it had to be done and it had to be fast. This one is just to be on the safe side, so I won't have to worry about getting cancer on this side also. The good side of the surgery is that I will be "balanced" now. I will have the option of not wearing bras- especially when I exercise. They will also remove my port, that will be nice (although part of the anxiety is due to the port removal, it seemed like my security blanket while I had it, but it does get in the way, seat belts, purse straps, bra straps all seem to land right on top of it and is not that comfortable.
Anyway I better sleep now. We have to be at the hospital at 9 am. Surgery is scheduled for 10:30am. I probably won't be able to update till later in the evening.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow..

out of menopause

Yuppie,  I am no longer in chemo induced menopause!!! :) It had been almost a whole year to the day.  I am glad that my body is recovering from all the chemical insult / help it has received.

looks good :)

this post will have to be brief. We have Dan's boss coming over for dinner, most of the food is ready but I still have to vacuum :)

Dan and I met at the Cancer Center this morning. The nurse took us back, weighed me, and walked us to the examination room. When she put my folder on the countertop to take my blood pressure, I could see that a report was at the very top and with big letters it said "looks good". yaaay!

That was a great feeling.

Then the doctor came and basically read the report. The lesion is still there, but it hasn't grown and even maybe looks a little smaller or less prominent than it did in January. The fact that it is stable and the fact that my liver enzymes were all within normal range were all great news. The doctor was very relieved, when I asked her when I should have my port flushed, she said that instead of having it flushed I should have it removed!!! yaaay! so I will make an appointment with the surgeon and schedule my mastectomy and with it the port removal.

I am so relieved, so happy and so thankful.

Actually last week or so I have been feeling that my body is well! instead of being worried that there may be something wrong with this part or another.

Cheers everybody!

Toenails, toenails

I got the MRI scan yesterday. It wasn't bad, the worst part was getting the IV in for the contrast. Because they cannot use my left arm (due to lymph node removal), they always use my right arm, and all my veins on the right arm have been hiding. There is one decent vein that they like to use, but it turns out that one got a lot of scar tissue, so the nurse yesterday worked for a long time to get the needle in, so here is my wining: it hurt a lot...

Then the MRI part wasn't bad, I know the drill now, bunch of breath holding, lots of noise from the machine, beautiful Vivaldi - 4 seasons playing in the background.

I am going to the Dr. tomorrow to get the results and also have my 2 month check up.

If you have been following the blog, you probably know that I lost my two big toe nails during chemo -- well they didn't totally fall off, but I would say the Podiatrist had to cut off so much that I had only about 1/4 of the nail there. Further more I got fungal infections so I have been using topical fungal medication to get rid of that. I have been very excited because they are almost full grown now. But a few weeks ago it seemed that they were growing into my flesh, so I started occasionally soaking them in warm water and then pushing the skin off the nail's path. Well, yesterday night the nail caught up and the pain woke me up from my sleep at 2:30 am. I had to take an Advil to go back to sleep. Thankfully I could get an appointment with the podiatrist and he cut off the edges of the nails, that took off the immediate pressure. Now we have to make sure that it doesn't get infected.

OK, I better go and get the dinner ready so we can get the girls in bed by 8:30 pm. It is getting harder to get them to bed on time with the days getting longer, but hey I am not complaining, I love coming home and still have it light for a while.

Wishing you all a beautiful spring time!

Another MRI scan tomorrow

Tomorrow morning I will have another MRI scan of the liver. I am hoping/praying that the scan will show that the lesion is resolved and that I can relax a little. On Thursday I have an appointment with the Dr. to get the results and also have my 2 month check up. I am happy that I did not see my oncologist for a total of 2 months!! I think this is a first for over a year now! yaay!
My anxiety levels are up, but today I had an acupuncture session and it did calm me down. I will post an update on Thursday to let you all know.

I feeeel goood...

Just a quick note to say that I am truly enjoying these days. I am very thankful for my health and general well being. After a pretty bad cold/flu/sinus infection I feel much much better. Minimal aches and pains that worry me. Work is busy but we now have Spring Break. I will actually travel to Montana to do research, which is so very exciting. I will enjoy just focusing on one thing i.e. research and not worry about 5 other things.

Yesterday I was selected to be a jury in a court. My very first time.. It was an interesting experience.

I had my port flushed today. Again it acted up so I had to lay down on a stretcher and then it was OK. Only 3.5 weeks till my liver MRI..

OK, I better get back to packing and checking things off my list of things to do. Happy March!

A year ago today..

I was told, I had cancer. One year. 12 months. 3 surgeries. 16 chemo sessions. 2 semesters- teaching full time. 1 beautiful summer with my family. Countless scans. Sleepless nights. Hairless months. Blood tests. A family vacation. Many ballet performances. Cards, emails, phone calls from friends and family, near and far. Acupuncture. Tai Chi. Hikes. Visits to counselor. Prayers. Fear. Relief. Pink eyes. Birthday parties. Visits from old friends. Wigs. Hats. Jumping on the trampoline. New friends. Books, books, books. Painting eye brows. Two visits to Houston. Anniversary. Sisters. So many cooked meals from friends and neighbors. Green tea. Brown rice. Whole grain. Fatigue. Naps. Watching "Friends" while riding the bike. Anxiety. Learn to deal with anxiety. Meditation. Sleep. Sun sets, sun rises, moon sets, moon eclipse. Garden fresh veggies. Breathe in, Breath out. Slow down. Stop to listen to kids. Hugs. Kisses.

I have been thinking of last year this time, for over a week now. First time I felt the lump. First Dr.s visit, Ultrasound, lumpectomy, result of the pathology.. It has caused some anxiety - I know I should celebrate my 1st year of survivorship, and don't get me wrong, I am so happy to be here, so happy to feel healthy. Last year, today, I wasn't sure if I would see my girl's birthdays. I didn't know - really nobody knows. But when one comes face to face with their mortality, you start appreciating everyday more. I still have days when I am short with my girls, when I forget to take a deep breath and "see" what is around me. But most days I take time to say Thanks, thanks for today, thanks for letting me be here. I try to slow down to smell a flower and admire the Orion on the winter sky. Let the girls tell their stories, sometimes let them go to bed a little later than they should so they can finish their dances. I LOVE watching them grow. I love my husband more everyday, he is my partner, my best friend.

Anyway I am drifting off. But didn't want to let today go by without reflecting on the past year.
Well, somethings don't change. Last year tonight, Ada had gotten pretty sick, as a matter of fact the day after the diagnosis she ran a fever of 105F. Deniz had a fever of 104.5 today!! Thankfully my dad is with us since yesterday so Deniz stayed with him at home because I had to teach from 9 am till 5 pm (only 2, 1 hr breaks in between). I was toast by the evening.
This weekend we should all rest and recover from from our illnesses.

I will end with a picture of me after the Strides for Cancer walk that I did last October:

3 month check up

Was yesterday and everything looks normal! That was amazing: a Dr's appointment and I didn't leave with a new worry.
We scheduled the liver MRI for the beginning of April and I will see the Dr right after that. It will be a 2 month check up (rather than 3) but that's fine. If I don't have to see her for a full 2 months that is awesome actually.

For the blood draw my port caused a little trouble, if I had not had it flushed just a few weeks ago I would have worried. The saline went in fine, it just would not let blood come out. We tried all the tricks I had learned last year, only one cough temporarily allowed some blood but then stopped again. So the nurse took me to another room and had me lay down. And that did the trick!!!
I am still recovering from the cold/sinus infection. Tuesday evening we had to go to urgent care because my fever wouldn't go down even with Advil (103F/39.7C), I had a caugh for about a week now and I was worried that the cold I was so proud to be fighting off had turned into a nasty bacterial infection (pneumonia?)
They examined me, had blood work done and a chest X-ray. Everything seemed normal so they prescribed antibiotics for sinus infection (+ the dr who checked me found out that he himself had strep so I hadbeen exposed to Strep and they didn't want me to get that either).
What was slightly upsetting/annoying was that as soon as I mentioned the stupid BC, and chemo, the doc started asking questions like "are there local recurrances? What is your status now? Is the cancer gone?". I understand why they have to do that but it was annoying that a stupid cold/24 hr high fever bug has to bring up the can of stupid cancer worms.. I know I know I have to get used to the fact that it is part of my health history now and will always be in the background. But I still can be annoyed by it right??
Anyway life is good, it is Friday! I have the best family.
Wishing you all a Happy Weekend!

All is good

I wanted to write to tell you how well I am feeling these days. It is awesome not to worry about a "thing" all the time (the general "c" worry is always there, but I don't think it will go away anyway soon). It is just nice that the liver worry is not occupying my mind all the time and I can start sweating the little stuff, like kids' colds, catching up my classes, doing the laundry..

I will see my oncologist this Thursday, so I am sure the anxiety level will going up on Wednesday (thank God I have a full load on Wednesdays from 9 am till 5 pm). It will be my first "3 month" check-up.

2 weeks ago everyone in the household got a haircut (yes including me), so when I have a good picture of us all I will post it. I have gotten a lot of comments on my hair, someone -who I had not seen for a while - looked at me and said "You got a hair cut!!!" yaaay, so it must not look like, I just had chemo and my hair is coming back :)

Anyway, gotta back to preparing our Sunday breakfast, love to you all!

MD Anderson radiologists agree with GJ radiologists

Yesterday, I heard back from MD Anderson. They basically said that the lesion in my liver was "too small and vague" to characterize, so recommended to have a follow-up MRI in three months. I will see my oncologist here next month, we'll see what she will suggest. But I am guessing that in March/April I will have another MRI.

Life is good. Our semester started this week. Today is my first day of classes. I LOVE my job. Both girls are sick at home with fever and upper respiratory infections. Thankfully my mom is still here so they could stay at home with her. I hope that by the end of the week everyone will be better and my mom will not have picked the bug up from them so she can travel well back to Istanbul.
I was feeling sick also, but with constant saline rinse of my sinuses and my chinese medication, I may have fought it off!!! If this cold does not turn into a sinus infection also, it will be amazing! I will have had 3 times where I could treat the nasal/sinus infections with saline without the need of antibiotics (those of you who know me well, also must know that I regularly get sinus infections ever year and end up taking bunch of antibiotics).

I also started a Tai Chi class. Interesting .... is all I am going to say for now, we'll see how I will like it.

Cheers everyone!

Good news!

Got the report, they see the same lesion that the MD Anderson CT scan had shown, but they say that it is probably due to chemotherapy or biopsy. This is great news. As I learned MRI with and without contrast is the best way of visualizing livers and with this method they did not find anything that looks like metastatic disease!

Moreover they mention that the lesion that was observed back in October is mostly resolved and say that this is in agreement with a lesion that would have been caused by chemotherapy. The newly observed lesion could be a residuum of the original lesion or due to the biopsy I had to have.

So all is good. They do suggest another short-term follow up MRI to exclude metastatic disease - I do not know what short-term means, a week (probably not), a month (probably), or 3 months.. So we'll go through this again, but hopefully it won't be that stressful.

Tomorrow I will go in again, to get my port flushed! I had not had it done earlier because I had thought that the port would be out during the mastectomy - which I ended up postponing..

I know I had said that I was OK going through the weekend without news but the last 16 hours or so have been quite hard. Still (or rather because of that) I spent this morning at Ada's preschool volunteering. It was great. She was so happy to have me there and it was good for me to watch her in a different environment. It was our turn to bring snacks, so we brought pizza, and she served it to her friends, so cute! I am her mom so of course I will find that cute.

Thank you everyone for all the prayers, love, thoughts and hugs... I hope everyone has a fabulous week...

Still no news

I had the MRI ysesterday morning, thought I would hear back from the dr today. But they are not working today so I will know on Monday.. I am fine with that. No news is good news..

MRI scheduled for tomorrow (Thursday)

Today i got the MRI scheduled, it will be tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I am hoping that I will get the results back by Friday. I will update as soon as I know more.